2017 : the year of losing

minggu 31/12 (6:22 pm)

dulu jaman lagi aktif2nya ngeblog, menjelang akhir tahun g suka bikin postingan yang merangkum tahun gua dalam satu tema besar tapi udah sekian tahun g ga melakukannya seiring dengan melunturnya semangat ngeblog..

tahun 2017 ini kalau g harus menetapkan satu tema maka tema hidup g tahun ini adalah 'the year of losing'..

kamis, 13 juli 2017 g kehilangan satu2nya orang yang paling g sayang di dunia ini, it' you, Mami.. never would have thought that i would still live to face my greatest fear.. i never had thought that day would finally come my way.. i know we're all gonna meet the end of our life's journeys on earth at some point but i guess dengan seringnya didengungkan di gereja betapa kedatangan Tuhan untuk kedua kalinya sudah semakin dekat, g sama sekali ga nyangka akan terpisah seperti ini dengan nyokap..

sudah lebih dari 5 bulan sejak nyokap menghembuskan napas terakhirnya tapi sampai dengan di hari terakhir di tahun 2017 ini, g ga bisa menuliskan kronologi jam2 terakhir nyokap..

my friend once asked me why would i want to relive that moment by writing it down? hmm.. i dunno, i guess it relates with what writing means to me.. since looong looong time ago, deep down i knew writing had always been my own kind of self-theraphy, the kind of media for me to pour my heart out and melepaskan semua yang mengganjal di dada tentang hal2 yang ga bisa gua ceritakan ke orang lain..

by writing it down, somewhat makes it.. final.. that i have let go and accept the 'reality'..

does this mean that i still not let my mom's go?

i dunno.. and i don't have either the energy or the curiousity to find out the answer..

Mami, i miss you soo soo much.. there are many things i still want to do with you.. there are so many dreams of yours i want to make them come true.. but i don't have the chance to fulfill them now.. you're no longer with me and it still hurts.. the kind of pain i cannot share with anyone else for they might think i'm too lebayy for having still feel this way about losing you..

my self-protection hit its lowest point when i lost you, Mami.. for you had been my rock.. i felt like i could take any kind of down moments that come my way as long as you were still with me but now you're gone, Mami.. you're gone..

even when some say you're never completely gone for you're still living inside me, in my memory, in my heart.. but it's just not the same.. for i need to be able to feel you physically.. to be able to touch you, to hold you in my arms, to kiss you.. and having you hold me in your arms.. but now i can no longer have all those again, Mami..

couple of nights ago when i was about to sleep, there was a glimpse of me hugging silke's mom and at that very moment i could really feel as if i was really hugging her and i cried.. i cried and tried to picture you in my head and felt that i was able to hug you, Mami.. but i just couldn't feel you, Mami..

and you hadn't come in my dreams anymore.. even though it was the only 'media' where i could still see and talk to you but you never 'visited' me again in my dreams, Mami, even though i miss you so badly but you never appeared in my dreams anymore..

Mami, Mami.. my one and only Mami.. the only person i ever loved so dearly in my heart.. how should i carry on with my life without you, Mami?

and the end of 2017 is coming closer by the minute.. at least i know that i mean that our time to reunite again is coming closer as well..

Mami, i miss you so.. thank you for being the best mom i could ever ask for, Mami.. each time i was feeling down, i knew that God loved me cause He gave me you since my very beginning time here on earth..

now that i have to live my life without you, i hope He will give me the strength to carry on.. i hope by the time we meet again, you could say to me that i have made you proud on how i'm living my life since you're gone, Mami.. and you never regret of having me as your daughter for u have never regret of having you as my mom, my sweet loving Mami with such a kind heart..

i love you, Mami.. don't you ever forget that..

minggu 31/12 (6:48 pm)

clean clean everyday

selasa 29/8 (8:26 am)

gua punya kerjaan baru tiap pagi (and kadang2 sore juga sih), yaitu menyapu halaman depan rumah, ga semua bagian juga sih, karena lumayan bikin puegel yaa XD yah setidaknya ada setengah bagian halaman yang lumayan bersih lah dibanding semuanya berantakan, hahahaha..

anywayy.. fenomena angin kenceng beberapa hari belakangan itu bikin kerjaan menyapu ini jadi nambah.. kadang ya baruuu aja kelar nyapu terus whusshh whusshh angin bertiup tau2 daun2 kering pada kembali berjatuhan, haiyaaa..

tapi pagi ini pas lagi nyapu, tiba2 terlintas pikiran.. daun2 kering itu ibarat pikiran2 negatif and halaman rumah itu umpamanya hati dan otak kita.. emang perlu yaa untuk 'dibersihin' tiap hari karena we can't stop the wind from blowing and the leaves from falling but at least we should do our part to clean all the mess..

so that's the lesson of the day for me today.. gua kangen dhe mendapatkan pelajaran dari daily life macam gini, kayanya udah lama i let the world and days passed me by without having anything to learn from :p

selasa 29/8 (8:34 am)

mom's 2nd b'day without you

rabu 7/6 (10:09 pm)

i always get mellow when it comes to b'day and this time it was no difference..

today is my mom's b'day, the 2nd b'day without you, ii.. and things started to change.. last year we still celebrated with people from church right on mom's special day and this had been going on for ages but dunno why this year my mom decided to change it and celebrate it with family instead..

62 weeks had passed us by without you, ii.. the memory started to fade away.. day by day passed me by to weeks and months and i failed to move forward..

rabu 7/6 (10:17 pm)

happy 63rd b'day

selasa 7/3 (12:47 pm

my dearest Ii

happy birthday

andai Ii masih ada bersama kami
kemaren kami akan merayakan ultah Ii yang ke-63

how time flies

i could still remember your special day a year ago Ii
the very last b'day we could celebrate together with you
even though we had to celebrate it at the hospital

my dearest Ii

ga nyangka ya udah setahun berlalu sejak saat itu
ga kebayang aja di hari itu
bahwa itu akan menjadi perayaan terakhir ulang tahun Ii bersama kami

Ii masih inget ga
walau sedang berbaring di ranjang rumah sakit
Ii sibuk memikirkan kita2 and nyuruh kita makan2 merayakan ultah Ii

maaf ya Ii saya ga mengabulkan permintaan Ii untuk memesan tempat di resto
karena we would rather be with you
than eating together without you

my deareast Ii

that very day a year ago
i could still remember what you said
when you said you couldn't see anything
how everything's around you was in the dark

i thought the medication you took had an effect on your sight
but it was perhaps you were already on your journey to eternity
that day you were still in the tunnel
but now you already see the light khan Ii
the eternal light that ease all your pains away

a year has passed us by Ii
i just couldn't miss it to 'see' you again
even if i had to walk from home
to the place you were rested for good

i had make a promise not to shed any tears again when i remember things about you Ii
but at times i just couldn't help it

my brother said not to think too much about you
for you have been in a better place
and you have rest in peace
we should take care more of the living

but as you know Ii
i always miss you most
especially at times when Mami doesn't feeling well
for now without you around
i felt like i was left alone
no one else to share the burden with

Ii happy 63rd birthday in 2017
this should be a very special day to celebrate

you know i have a thing with numbers Ii

63rd b'day on the 6th day in the 3rd month should be something right

and you celebrate this very special day with our Creator

my dearest Ii

until we meet again

selasa 7/3 (1:02 pm