Wednesday, June 7, 2017

mom's 2nd b'day without you

rabu 7/6 (10:09 pm)

i always get mellow when it comes to b'day and this time it was no difference..

today is my mom's b'day, the 2nd b'day without you, ii.. and things started to change.. last year we still celebrated with people from church right on mom's special day and this had been going on for ages but dunno why this year my mom decided to change it and celebrate it with family instead..

62 weeks had passed us by without you, ii.. the memory started to fade away.. day by day passed me by to weeks and months and i failed to move forward..

rabu 7/6 (10:17 pm)

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

happy 63rd b'day

selasa 7/3 (12:47 pm

my dearest Ii

happy birthday

andai Ii masih ada bersama kami
kemaren kami akan merayakan ultah Ii yang ke-63

how time flies

i could still remember your special day a year ago Ii
the very last b'day we could celebrate together with you
even though we had to celebrate it at the hospital

my dearest Ii

ga nyangka ya udah setahun berlalu sejak saat itu
ga kebayang aja di hari itu
bahwa itu akan menjadi perayaan terakhir ulang tahun Ii bersama kami

Ii masih inget ga
walau sedang berbaring di ranjang rumah sakit
Ii sibuk memikirkan kita2 and nyuruh kita makan2 merayakan ultah Ii

maaf ya Ii saya ga mengabulkan permintaan Ii untuk memesan tempat di resto
karena we would rather be with you
than eating together without you

my deareast Ii

that very day a year ago
i could still remember what you said
when you said you couldn't see anything
how everything's around you was in the dark

i thought the medication you took had an effect on your sight
but it was perhaps you were already on your journey to eternity
that day you were still in the tunnel
but now you already see the light khan Ii
the eternal light that ease all your pains away

a year has passed us by Ii
i just couldn't miss it to 'see' you again
even if i had to walk from home
to the place you were rested for good

i had make a promise not to shed any tears again when i remember things about you Ii
but at times i just couldn't help it

my brother said not to think too much about you
for you have been in a better place
and you have rest in peace
we should take care more of the living

but as you know Ii
i always miss you most
especially at times when Mami doesn't feeling well
for now without you around
i felt like i was left alone
no one else to share the burden with

Ii happy 63rd birthday in 2017
this should be a very special day to celebrate

you know i have a thing with numbers Ii

63rd b'day on the 6th day in the 3rd month should be something right

and you celebrate this very special day with our Creator

my dearest Ii

until we meet again

selasa 7/3 (1:02 pm

Monday, December 26, 2016

hari ini, sembilan bulan yang lalu

senin 26/12 (10:29 pm

Ii
genap sudah sembilan bulan Ii meninggalkan kami
sembilan bulan yang terasa lama
dan juga cepat

Ii
i still miss you from time to time
especially when something happened to Mami
for you were the only one who were always around
anytime of the day or even night

Ii
i felt like i was being left alone
when the same situation happened again
no one could ever be able to replace your place Ii

Ii
it doesn't feel the same anymore
even when we still celebrate some special days together
like we used to with you
but nowadays it felt like
we were just being in the same place
but not being 'present' at the given moment

Ii
for Christmas this year
i felt like it was kinda a reminder
that we really don't know
what's going to happen to us
and where we shall be
two years ago you were in south korea
last year you were in the hospital
but this year you were already with our Heavenly Father

Ii
when i remember you know
your face that keeps coming back in my mind
it was when i visited you at your home
even though your body was still in pain
but you brought laughters to those around you

Ii
i still remember what you said that day
how you loved your son so much
how your husband loved you so much
and the expression on your face
when you said those things

Ii
i may not have been a good niece
i may have said or do things that have hurted you
and i didn't got the chance to say i was sorry

Ii
Ii
my one and only Ii

senin 26/12 (10:48 pm

Saturday, June 25, 2016

balada cucian basah : God's way of comforting

sabtu 25/6 (4:25 pm

baru aja kemaren ini gua mendapatkan 'pelajaran' dari cucian yang terlalu lama direndam dan didiamkan hingga akhirnya menguarkan bau yang ga sedap eh hari ini gua harus berhadapan dengan hal itu lagi walau kali ini kejadiannya bukan disengaja ataupun karena kelalaian gua

kemaren sore menjelang malam hujan turun cukup deras dan pagi ini ketika gua menengok ke tempat mencuci baju - gua hampir mau nangis melihat ember besar berisi pakaian kotor dipenuhi air yang merendam baju2 yang sedang menanti giliran dicuci minggu depan

i wasn't in my best condition and i felt both physically and emotionally tired lately karenanya melihat tumpukan baju yang harus segera dicuci agar ga bau - i was nearly having my emotional breakdown

earlier last night i cried myself to sleep and i was talking to Him that i was tired - well perhaps He was also tired of having me told Him how tired i was so that time i didn't have any words of encouragements from the Scripture that used to come flashing to my mind XD

but God has His own ways of comforting - sometimes thru simple little things that i might have taken for granted if i wasn't aware enough to pay some attention

the first thing was when i got back from the market

my older brother drove me there and out of 10 times he drove me anywhere for groceries shopping well it might be 0 times he helped me carrying things i bought inside the house but today when we got back he carried some plastic bags without me even had to ask him to do so

this saturday was supposed a time for me to spend with my 3 friends - celebrating my friend's b'day which was on last may 13 but since my mom's condition ain't well i had to cancel my attendance but i only let the birthday girl knew beforehand as for the other two i told them via whatsapp near our appointed time cause i felt bad having to reschedule again

to my surprise the girls decided to pay me a visit after they had lunch and walked around the mall - i somehow felt touched :'D

so yeah i still feel tired at times but with these God's unexpected little comforts today i think i will manage to hang on a bit longer ^o^

sabtu 25/6 (4:45 pm

Saturday, June 11, 2016

11 minggu, h-1

sabtu 11/6 (8:32 pm

dear Ii

sebelas minggu sudah engkau pergi meninggalkan kami
tujuh puluh tujuh hari berlalu tanpa kehadiranmu di sisi kami

we miss you Ii
i miss you

dear Ii

besok akan tiba hari yang telah Ii nanti2kan
hari yang selalu Ii tanyakan di kala Ii sakit
kemudian Ii akan terdiam dan menerawang menatap langit2 rumah sakit

dear Ii

apakah Ii telah tahu bahwa Ii tidak akan bisa menghadiri pernikahan anak bungsu Ii
karenanya tatapan Ii menjadi sedih tiap kali membahas hari h yang ditunggu2

dear Ii

tidak terasa besok putra bungsu Ii akan menikahi perempuan pilihannya
calon menantu perempuan yang telah Ii restui
hanya berselang tujuh puluh delapan hari sejak kepergian Ii

dear Ii

walau Ii tidak lagi ada bersama kami
tapi Ii tetap bisa melihat kami khan dari atas sana

dear Ii

i know i should've stopped questioning the 'what if'
but at times i'm still hoping
you are still around and be with us

perhaps one day it might not hurt this much anymore Ii
you surely had made our lives much easier and more comfortable to live
it's now time for us to work ourselves to make it easier without you

i miss you Ii

what i remember most about your last days
was how you in your sickness could still make us laugh with your jokes and funny expressions when you told us things

i hope one day i will be able to remember you on your healthier days Ii
cause i want to remember you with a smile on my face
for you are such a wonderful person

i miss you Ii

sabtu 11/6 (8:45 pm

Thursday, May 26, 2016

hari ini, dua bulan yang lalu

kamis 26/5 (6:56 pm

dear Ii

hari ini genap dua bulan sejak kepergianmu
at times it still feels like a dream
a silent hope that you are still around
somewhere on this earth
it's just that we couldn't meet

dear Ii

i still cry when i remember you
i just can't help the tears from falling
i'm somehow afraid i will forget you
how you looked like
how you talked
how you walked
how you used to be

dear Ii

when i browsed my phone this morning
i cried again when i found some old pictures that included you
the pictures were taken some years back then in 2013
when we were celebrating your husband's b'day
at bandar jakarta alam sutera

dear Ii

do you still remember that day
when your children asked the singer to sing a happy b'day for their father
and you requested 'gereja tua'

dear Ii

i still couldn't listen to some songs
that i used to play on my phone when i visited you during your sickness and recovery
listening to those songs made me feel sad
cause i couldn't play them again for you

dear Ii

two months had passed us by
since you took your very last breath
two months that both felt so long yet so fast

dear Ii

i miss you
i still miss you
and i will always miss you
especially on hard days

dear Ii

will you come to my dream some time
so that i can see you again
even only in dreams

dear Ii

i miss you
you are deeply missed Ii
my beloved Ii
a very loving person

kamis 26/5 (7:09 pm

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

hari ini, satu bulan yang lalu

selasa 26/4 (4:24 pm)

Ii.. hari ini telah sebulan Ii pergi meninggalkan kami..

airmata ini masih belum kering tiap kami mengingat betapa kami tidak akan pernah lagi melihat wajah Ii, senyuman Ii serta celetukan2 Ii yang selalu menyemarakkan suasana..

Ii.. sebulan sudah sejak Ii menghembuskan napas terakhir Ii..

ada yang bilang bahwa ketika kita menangisi mereka yang telah terlebih dahulu 'pergi', sebenarnya kita sedang menangisi diri sendiri.. karena mereka yang telah 'berpulang' kini telah berada di tempat yang lebih baik..

mungkin ada benarnya yang mereka bilang ya, Ii..

ampuni saya, Tuhan.. kalau saya masih belum bisa melepaskan kata 'mengapa' sehubungan dengan kepergian Ii saya..

mengapa, Tuhan? mengapa sekarang?

kami manusia memang tidak ada puasnya ya, Tuhan.. andai Engkau mengabulkan permohonan kami agar setidaknya Ii bisa menghadiri pernikahan anaknya di bulan juni mendatang, tentunya kami akan kembali meminta agar Engkau memperpanjang sampai Ii bisa menimang cucu, dan daftar waktu perpanjangannya akan terus bertambah..

walau kami tau setiap dari kami pada akhirnya harus menghadapi akhir hidup kami di bumi, walau Engkau telah memberi kami 3 bulanan kesempatan untuk mengucapkan selamat tinggal dengan tidak mengambil Ii secara tiba2, tetap saja, Tuhan.. kami tidak siap dengan rasa kehilangan ini..

saya selalu mengira kami semua akan bersama2 untuk waktu yang lebih lama lagi.. nyatanya awal maret lalu adalah kali terakhir kami bisa merayakan ulang tahun Ii bersama2..

Tuhan, saya mohon berikanlah kekuatan serta penghiburan bagi setiap hati yang masih merasakan kehilangan atas kepergian Ii.. kuatkanlah kami dalam menjalani sisa hari2 kami sampai akhirnya kami semua kembali berkumpul di rumahMu..

Ii.. sebulan sudah engkau pergi meninggalkan kami.. we still miss you, Ii..

selasa 26/4 (4:36 pm)