di kala

rabu 30/5 (4:37 am)

di kala berada di puncak becici ataupun saat menatap debur ombak di pantai kuta dan tanah lot, all i ever wanted to do was to scream out your name, Mami.. but my mouth just couldn't say anything though my heart screamed it out so loud, wish that my calling would be heard from Heaven..

did you hear how my heart calling you, Mami? have my heart screamed loud enough for Heaven to hear?

Tuhan, saya kangen Mami, saya kangen sekali sama Mami, rasa rindu ini sungguh menyesakkan, Tuhan, saya tidak tahu bagaimana cara mengeluarkannya..

it's only a week away before her birthday, Tuhan, the very first of her birthday without her here to celebrate it, i hope i won't be here for too long to celebrate her birthdays without her for many more years to come..

no matter where i go, all i could think of is why, why You didn't give me a chance to see the 'world' with her, Tuhan.. You gave the others more than 5 years to 'pamper' their loved one, You gave 'him' a chance to say goodbye to his beloved, why You didn't give me the same chance to say goodbye to Mami? to let me say how much i loved her for the very last time before You took her, why didn't You give me any single hints when she died in my arms? if i knew You'd take her away, i wouldn't spend my last minute with her to pray for You to heal her cause You'd take her anyway..

Tuhan, bantu saya mengerti dan memahami apa rencana indah yang Kau persiapkan dengan mengambil Mami dari saya, Tuhan.. apa rencanaMu untuk hidup saya dengan memisahkan saya dari Mami seperti ini, Tuhan.. mengapa Engkau mengambil satu2nya orang yang paling saya sayangi di dunia ini, Tuhan? mengapa Engkau membiarkan saya merasakan kesedihan dan kehilangan seperti ini, Tuhan? mengapa, Tuhan, mengapa?

terima kasih, Tuhan, terima kasih untuk mengijinkan saya bertanya di saat yang lain mungkin menganggap ini sebagai hal yang tidak boleh dipertanyakan karena mutlak otoritasMu.. tapi Engkau ta u, Engkau tahu apa yang ada dalam hati saya, Engkau tau apa saja yang disampaikan hati saya yang tidak dimengerti oleh pikiran saya, Engkau tau jauh melebihi yang mampu saya sampaikan lewat kata2..

Tuhan, tolong saya, tolong saya mengatasi rasa ini karena terkadang terlalu berat dan menghimpit di dalam dada..

Mami, i miss you, i miss you so so much it hurts..

rabu 30/5 (5:07 am)