2017 : the year of losing

minggu 31/12 (6:22 pm)

dulu jaman lagi aktif2nya ngeblog, menjelang akhir tahun g suka bikin postingan yang merangkum tahun gua dalam satu tema besar tapi udah sekian tahun g ga melakukannya seiring dengan melunturnya semangat ngeblog..

tahun 2017 ini kalau g harus menetapkan satu tema maka tema hidup g tahun ini adalah 'the year of losing'..

kamis, 13 juli 2017 g kehilangan satu2nya orang yang paling g sayang di dunia ini, it' you, Mami.. never would have thought that i would still live to face my greatest fear.. i never had thought that day would finally come my way.. i know we're all gonna meet the end of our life's journeys on earth at some point but i guess dengan seringnya didengungkan di gereja betapa kedatangan Tuhan untuk kedua kalinya sudah semakin dekat, g sama sekali ga nyangka akan terpisah seperti ini dengan nyokap..

sudah lebih dari 5 bulan sejak nyokap menghembuskan napas terakhirnya tapi sampai dengan di hari terakhir di tahun 2017 ini, g ga bisa menuliskan kronologi jam2 terakhir nyokap..

my friend once asked me why would i want to relive that moment by writing it down? hmm.. i dunno, i guess it relates with what writing means to me.. since looong looong time ago, deep down i knew writing had always been my own kind of self-theraphy, the kind of media for me to pour my heart out and melepaskan semua yang mengganjal di dada tentang hal2 yang ga bisa gua ceritakan ke orang lain..

by writing it down, somewhat makes it.. final.. that i have let go and accept the 'reality'..

does this mean that i still not let my mom's go?

i dunno.. and i don't have either the energy or the curiousity to find out the answer..

Mami, i miss you soo soo much.. there are many things i still want to do with you.. there are so many dreams of yours i want to make them come true.. but i don't have the chance to fulfill them now.. you're no longer with me and it still hurts.. the kind of pain i cannot share with anyone else for they might think i'm too lebayy for having still feel this way about losing you..

my self-protection hit its lowest point when i lost you, Mami.. for you had been my rock.. i felt like i could take any kind of down moments that come my way as long as you were still with me but now you're gone, Mami.. you're gone..

even when some say you're never completely gone for you're still living inside me, in my memory, in my heart.. but it's just not the same.. for i need to be able to feel you physically.. to be able to touch you, to hold you in my arms, to kiss you.. and having you hold me in your arms.. but now i can no longer have all those again, Mami..

couple of nights ago when i was about to sleep, there was a glimpse of me hugging silke's mom and at that very moment i could really feel as if i was really hugging her and i cried.. i cried and tried to picture you in my head and felt that i was able to hug you, Mami.. but i just couldn't feel you, Mami..

and you hadn't come in my dreams anymore.. even though it was the only 'media' where i could still see and talk to you but you never 'visited' me again in my dreams, Mami, even though i miss you so badly but you never appeared in my dreams anymore..

Mami, Mami.. my one and only Mami.. the only person i ever loved so dearly in my heart.. how should i carry on with my life without you, Mami?

and the end of 2017 is coming closer by the minute.. at least i know that i mean that our time to reunite again is coming closer as well..

Mami, i miss you so.. thank you for being the best mom i could ever ask for, Mami.. each time i was feeling down, i knew that God loved me cause He gave me you since my very beginning time here on earth..

now that i have to live my life without you, i hope He will give me the strength to carry on.. i hope by the time we meet again, you could say to me that i have made you proud on how i'm living my life since you're gone, Mami.. and you never regret of having me as your daughter for u have never regret of having you as my mom, my sweet loving Mami with such a kind heart..

i love you, Mami.. don't you ever forget that..

minggu 31/12 (6:48 pm)