di kala

rabu 30/5 (4:37 am)

di kala berada di puncak becici ataupun saat menatap debur ombak di pantai kuta dan tanah lot, all i ever wanted to do was to scream out your name, Mami.. but my mouth just couldn't say anything though my heart screamed it out so loud, wish that my calling would be heard from Heaven..

did you hear how my heart calling you, Mami? have my heart screamed loud enough for Heaven to hear?

Tuhan, saya kangen Mami, saya kangen sekali sama Mami, rasa rindu ini sungguh menyesakkan, Tuhan, saya tidak tahu bagaimana cara mengeluarkannya..

it's only a week away before her birthday, Tuhan, the very first of her birthday without her here to celebrate it, i hope i won't be here for too long to celebrate her birthdays without her for many more years to come..

no matter where i go, all i could think of is why, why You didn't give me a chance to see the 'world' with her, Tuhan.. You gave the others more than 5 years to 'pamper' their loved one, You gave 'him' a chance to say goodbye to his beloved, why You didn't give me the same chance to say goodbye to Mami? to let me say how much i loved her for the very last time before You took her, why didn't You give me any single hints when she died in my arms? if i knew You'd take her away, i wouldn't spend my last minute with her to pray for You to heal her cause You'd take her anyway..

Tuhan, bantu saya mengerti dan memahami apa rencana indah yang Kau persiapkan dengan mengambil Mami dari saya, Tuhan.. apa rencanaMu untuk hidup saya dengan memisahkan saya dari Mami seperti ini, Tuhan.. mengapa Engkau mengambil satu2nya orang yang paling saya sayangi di dunia ini, Tuhan? mengapa Engkau membiarkan saya merasakan kesedihan dan kehilangan seperti ini, Tuhan? mengapa, Tuhan, mengapa?

terima kasih, Tuhan, terima kasih untuk mengijinkan saya bertanya di saat yang lain mungkin menganggap ini sebagai hal yang tidak boleh dipertanyakan karena mutlak otoritasMu.. tapi Engkau ta u, Engkau tahu apa yang ada dalam hati saya, Engkau tau apa saja yang disampaikan hati saya yang tidak dimengerti oleh pikiran saya, Engkau tau jauh melebihi yang mampu saya sampaikan lewat kata2..

Tuhan, tolong saya, tolong saya mengatasi rasa ini karena terkadang terlalu berat dan menghimpit di dalam dada..

Mami, i miss you, i miss you so so much it hurts..

rabu 30/5 (5:07 am)

21 mei 2018

senin 21/5 (10:03 pm)

senin 21/5 (10:04 pm)

jogja 18-20 mei 2018

minggu 20/5 (4:40 am)

my dearest Mami, long time not talking to you, how are you, Mami? sudah 10 bulan 1 minggu sejak Mami ga ada and from time to time i still miss you like crazy..

setelah tahunan ga jalan2, di bulan mei ini aku jalan2 lagi, Mami, ke jogja selama 3 hari 2 malam..

ketika melihat hamparan awan dari jendela pesawat, i searched for your face but i couldn't find you.. i was up above the sky, in a place i thought closer to you but still i couldn't see you anywhere..

i went to puncak becici the other day and dari ketinggian aku melihat karya ciptaan Tuhan, pegunungan dengan pepohonan yang menghijau terpapar di depan mata aku, Mami.. i always had this mental image of me screaming your name but in that place i couldn't scream out loud, Mami, i only called you in a whisper.. could you hear my calling, Mami? did the wind bring my whisper to your ear, Mami?

Mami, life is indeed gets easier for each and everyone of us in terms of you-know-what but i would trade it just to be with you much longer, Mami, just so that i could leave this world before you so i won't have to miss you like this..

Mami, my dearest Mami, my sweet loving Mami, my one and only Mami, the only love i ever loved in this whole world, why would i have to live my life without you?

miss you so so much, Mami, miss you so so much..

minggu 20/5 (4:51 am)

i was

jumat 11/5 (5:12 pm)

i didn't have much back then but i was happy.. i was happy because i had you, Mami..

losing you was the hardest loss i had to go through.. for such a loving person with tender heart like you, now i know what you might be feeling, Mami, when you lost someone you loved one by one..  you were the only person i loved with all my heart, so unlike you, i might not have to experience this kind of feeling anymore, but even though just for once, sometimes it felt unbearable so i can't imagine if i had to go through this over and over again like you did, Mami..

Mami, my sweet Mami, how are you today? it had been a while since the last time we met in dreams.. if only i knew when i would see you again, i could count down the days..

until then, Mami.. hopefully i shall see you soon..

jumat 11/5 (5:25 pm)

ultah dan kematian

rabu 2/5 (1:06 pm)

hari senin tanggal 30 april lalu, ada dua kejadian yang bertolak belakang.. hari itu gembala gereja nyokap sedang merayakan ultahnya di bali bersama dengan keluarganya.. di hari yang sama, salah satu temannya nyokap meninggal dunia.

tante ini termasuk yang belakangan sering nelpon nyokap buat ngobrol2 and sekalinya nelpon tuh bisa lamaa.. pas nyokap ga ada juga nih tante datang eh ga taunya sekarang dia duluan yang nyusul nyokap..

selamat jalan, tante, titip salam buat mami saya ya, tolong sampaikan ke mami kalau saya kangen sekali sama mami..

anyway, balik ke soal ultah gembala sidang.. ucapan ulang tahun yang ditulis anaknya itu bikin gua menyadari bahwa bagi (sebagian besar) ortu, kado terbaik yang bisa mereka terima dari anak2nya itu bukan berupa barang atau materi ya tapi ketika anak2 mereka merasa bahwa ayah dan ibunya adalah orangtua yang terbaik, that i think is the most precious gift any children can give to their parents..

yang mana lucunya kalau dipikir2 sebenernya sampai tuh anak bisa ngerasa seperti itu khan ga lepas dari bagaimana ortunya memperlakukan anak mereka ya.. jadi emang bener sih in the end, what you give is what you will get in return 😁😁

ya udah, githu aja 😋

rabu 2/5 (1:15 pm)